Loneliness is hard to deal with at times, and I think that even some of the most independent strong willed people can relate. I do enjoy time to myself and doing things alone, however I have those moments of sadness when I think that there is no one- no friend, no family and no man. I try and look to God, I ask him to fulfill that hole of emptiness, but until I fully have faith in believing that he can satisfy my every need I am not sure I will feel or be whole. There may be a time when the things I love are more enjoyable when shared with someone, but I'm not there yet. I still don't understand why I push people away, have such high expectations for others, and stay far from love. I'm not sure I can wrap my head around the fact that we are okay to fall for someone or think about marriage when the relationship we might have with God isn't where we want it to be (and I don't think it ever will). However I will always know without doubt that when my roommates, my co-workers, my family, my friends, and the people I love the most forsake me, the Lord won't, and that's more than enough to try hard and to be strong.
There's got to be a reason why we can't dig deep sometimes. There's definitely got to be a situation or experience that keeps us from letting love overtake our minds. Why don't we move forward? Why can't one grow to shift the wall of current situations? I'm sadden because I feel I can't be there, because I feel as if I'm not believing or accepting the gifts we've been given. I just want to move closer, I want to move in and unpack the stuff I've yet to forgiven and be forgiven of. Maybe I'm not believing, maybe I'm just not clearly seeing, that the power I've been given can change some habits and bring an abundance of joy to the people who think church is doing nothing. But this isn't a steeple. I'm not taking about an organizational freakish place, I'm talking about a group of people. All I know is that I have a long way to go, and anything can increase but it is he who will bring the true peace. Maybe that's what I...