Recently I sat in a room with another girl, mediated in conversation. She told me how much she despised me, how much she hated me, and how fake my personality and life is. I am a happy person-or well I used to be. I loved smiling, meeting people, loving my friends, and feeling free in God's presence. Living in a co-op for my second year seems to be one of the worst decisions I have ever made; I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel sorry for myself, threatened by evil, jealousy, hatred. I don't know if later in life I will look back and recognize my sophomore year as a transition, or an awkward phase in college. All I know is that I am tired of being unhappy, and I am tired of suffering in my own pity.
Thankfully I have found the few things in life that completely change my thought process; allowing me to escape sometimes completely from the current struggles before me. When I dive into God, music, books, movies and literally the ocean- there's nothing to think about in the future or the past. Maybe its time to give up school and take on something else. Maybe its time to surrender my heart and ask for God's help, or maybe its time to reconsider my relationship with friends and family. As much as I care about people and as much as I just want to love on all those that I encounter; I don't treat people the way I should. I don't give people the time, patience, and ear that they need. I don't always see their feelings because I am preoccupied with myself. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be happy. I want to unconditionally love those around me. I want to give to my family, my friends, to my community and the strangers who live in it. I constantly need a fresh start with myself, and I need others to give me that opportunity as well.
I'm lonely and I am sad. I am hurt and frustrated with myself. I want to be a beautiful person. I want to have a strong independence, a great personality, a good heart, a love for all I meet. I want to have character. I want to have self control. I want to be self disciplined enough to get in shape. I want perseverance to finish its work, so that I may be lacking nothing. I want my faith in God to be strong.. All these "wants" when will I work hard to earn them. God please clear my conscious, my heart, and my past haunts. Allow me to achieve the foundational ingredient to which everything else needed for a Godly life is added.